Update 2

Yeah, so I know I only get about 20 - 30 people who read this each day. But my newer stuff is pretty much shite. The better poetry is from last year. I can't seem to put my thought's down as prose anymore. It could be loss of creativity... loss of imagination... loss of muse... but I don't think it is.

I have come to realize that I don't feel like I felt before. I don't dream like I dreamt before. I don't live like I lived before. I have become accustomed to a mundane lifestyle of processed foods and liquor. I have hit the end of my poetry career before it even started. And for this, I am sorry.

I am not sorry to anyone who reads my poetry, though. I am sorry to myself. I have let myself down in one of the few things that I actually enjoy doing anymore.

I can't stand to write like I used to. It has turned from something I used to explain every feeling I ever had to a venting for hate. I don't feel that I should continue writing until I bring something to the table that is not hate-filled and laced with animosity.

I will not update this blog for a while now. I have begun to concentrate on myself, on my inner happiness.

And now... to relax...

It's about me now, Bitch.

My wheels are spinning
While everyone's grinning
Don't care where I am in 10
Don't care where I am in 20
But by tomorrow I want change
Something needs to be
A little different in me
Something needs to happen
So I can not look back again

I'm done checking my rearview
Everything is all about the future
As of now
I can't stop thinking all these
Thoughts that bring me down
But I know
That I can leave you sitting
There and crying there and I don't care
Anymore.

New Friend

I'll try anything once
I'll try anything with you
You were there my whole life
Two thousand miles away
And if you can make a friend
In only two or even one day
Then I've gotta say
You're a friend
In a very special way.

Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss "Whiskey Lullaby"

Joni Mitchell

We are stardust.
We are golden.

Drug of Choice

"What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?"
-"Dirt" Alice in Chains

I use the words of Bob Ritchie
I need to find myself
as he tells me to rewind myself
I need to get a real job
Get some real friends
Cut my hair real short
And try to make amends
I will never regret
I will never look back
I will never die
Heartbreak will keep you down
But you don't need to wear a frown
Just look up and see
You're as small as me
We're just grains of sand
Blown into the sea
And no one will remember
When we are gone
No one will hold our legacy
Or the shit we've done wrong
Let it all go
Let it fall to the floor
Let it spin down the drain
One day we will remain
As the only people left
The ones that gave a damn
And maybe someone will remember
Maybe someone cares
But I doubt they're around
And they'll never be found

Colon Left Parenthesis

Why do I bother?
Why do I try?
I may as well jump
It'd be better to die.

Drunk

I'm drunk and alone
I wish to go home
But the girl on the phone
Tells me I won't be known

No one will see this face
Nobody knows the disgrace
Of what I've done and
Who was there to take a stand

So stand up and be known
Those of us without a home
Living life with disregard
Die by the gun and live by the card

She speaks through the phone again
Doing this won't make you men
But I reply in monotone
Don't leave me alone, but don't take me home

Face the fear that drowns in the face of adversity the unrelenting black mass of hatred in your heart will one day bloom a phoenix from which all hope shall be born.

Friends We Will Be

Lovers are long gone
But friendship will last
Live for the future
Don't dwell in the past
I missed you as a friend
And I thought about you
And the messages I used to send
Made me see that I'm blue
But now I see you hold no
Ill will towards me
And I've got to say so
I'm so fucking happy
We may not be lovers
And that's fine with me
We're not under the covers
But friends we will be.

Who What When Where.

What if
What if the answer
Has been here all along?
What if
What if the answer
Has been right under my nose?

Who could
Who could release me
From my misery and my sorrow?
Who could
Who could release me
From the pain and the anguish?

When will
When will I die
With my hands crossed ready to go?
When will
When will I die
With my neck in a noose, and blood in my boots?

Where do
Where do I go
From here when I hold nothing dear?
Where do
Where do I go
From here, when there is no one I know?

Nothing Less, Nothing More

Calm like the wind before the storm
The ocean in my soul settles
And brings me back to the day before I was born
Never have I known such love and warmth
Omnipotent in it's power to heal and dream
I wish every person in the world felt the same
The same joy of another, another one to hold
Dreams of fortune and health can be too bold
Just be happy with who you are in your soul
The rat race can be won without a gun
And you can stay alive in your nine to five
But it isn't for me, no I'm too lonely
A life of writing would be all I ask for
Nothing less and nothing more.

Reaction

Tattoos are taboo
If they don't mean a thing to you
"Prove my love to you?"
I know the truth
I've seen the side
Of you, you try to hide
I have nothing to hide
I shout from the roof
We fought nail and tooth
But now I'm happy
Without you
I don't need a thing
I don't need a ring
I, unlike you
Can be happy that its through
I unlike you
Can be happy with the fact
That I am me
And me is I
I could touch the sky
Because I'm so high
Don't need a woman
To make me feel good
I just need a bottle
And to put up my hood
Protect from the cold
From the snow
But it's still warmer
Than any love
That I have ever known

Walk-A-Long

Shame fails to amount
the taste in your mouth
The drops of acid
On your tongue
Brings way to song
In this walk-a-long
Dripping on down
To the downtown
Bringing in the ghost town
Killing everyone
Avoiding the sun
Drop to your knees
And you beg me please
I'll never look back
Til you're living in a shack
In your Podunk town
Listening to the sound
Of your brain cells crying
And the babies dyin
And no one wants you here
In this place I hold dear.
Take advantage of your fear
I live off your tears.

Hamster Wheel

Sobriety is an illumination
Illuminated by the essence
Of the effervescent demons
Brought on by the plague
Dragged to the bottom
Of the rocky ledge of pain
Rocky mountain sunshine
Bring on the moonshine
Drop it to the knees
Of our civil liberties
I can't explain myself
And I'm in poor health
I feel like death
When I take another breath
And I'll never feel your pain
But I have my own reign
To look over, glance over
Bring a part of me back
I can't stop the attack
Of the superficial
Omni - Potent
Reach-a-round
Bring it around
To escape
It's the easy fate
The prison release date
I can't help what I write
I mostly do it out of spite
I can't help what I feel
On this fucked up hamster wheel.

Dead To You

I spend more time crying
Than I spend awake
I cry in my sleep
Each night and day
I wish this pain would go away
But all I can do is just say

I wish you were here
And I'll always hold you dear
But you left me high and dry
And I always wondered why
I never had closure,
Never gave it a thought
Til I fell down and was broken
And I had nowhere to go
And now I just need you to tell me
I need to know

Why did you leave me all those years ago?
Why do you hate me after all this time?
What did I do to you to make you pissed?
To make you hate me. To be dismissed.

I wish I was someone else
A fucking Guido sitting in a club
I could grab your attention
Maybe even get a rub

But you don't even know what I look like anymore
But I remember how you smelled, all those years before
Before you were clubbing, and drinking all night
Back when we'd talk on the phone and never fight

I wish you could tell me just how you feel
But you're evasive about all that is real
I need you right now, and you blow me off
I hope I fucking die, but that might piss you off