Every day I wait for good news.
Good news never comes to me in life.
So what I've learned is that one day I'm going to die.
When I die, maybe then there will be good news.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Old Woman - A short story by Collin Jones (advice is appreciated)
The smell of fresh cut grass permeated the old Victorian farmhouse. The kitchen especially, with it's open windows, hardwood floors, and the screen door to the mud room. It was a mundane room, but a cozy room, one most noted for the scent of fresh bread being baked during the winter. But alas, it was mid-summer and the only odor was of the freshly mowed lawn. The owner of the house, an old woman, perhaps an octogenarian, sat in front of the window for hours listening to the birds chirp and the wind blow through the leaves of the old oak trees surrounding her property. Once in a while she would comment on the state of the house or the neighborhood, muttering almost silently to herself.
She was known once in the community for being a sprightly young dancer but had given up such things for a simple life at home. She married her since deceased husband, raised three boys, all who moved out years ago and had resolved to sit in her kitchen she loved so much until they came home. Summers and winters would pass with no sign of her boys, but her steely resolve never wandered. She would wait.
That's what she did, for twenty years she sat, the only company being her nurse who would come around once a day to give her medication and make sure she was still alive. The nurse, Jacqueline was her name, would indulge the woman in conversation most days, but it was too superficial. Jacqueline would comment on the weather and maybe tell the woman about happenings in the middle east or the west coast depending on the state of the world at the time. The old woman looked forward to the visits, but it was nothing compared the the joy she would feel when her sons returned to take her away from the house that had become a crypt for her disintegrating body.
The woman yearned for her youth, for the years she spent dancing for princes and dignitaries. She was a performer at heart and she never really forgave herself for giving it up to raise a family. Most likely, the woman wouldn't have done it any other way, she loved her sons more than she loved life. She toyed with the notion of ending her life, perhaps what came next would be preferable to the pain she was enduring now, but she couldn't bring herself to find out. She had plenty of pills, plenty of knives, plenty of electronics to drop in the tub when the nurse wasn't looking... but she couldn't conquer the fear of the unknown long enough to change her current state.
On this current afternoon, however, with the nurse having left for the day to tend to her many other patients, the old woman was toying with the notion once again. Her heart would skip a beat thinking about how much her children would miss her when she was gone. How upset they would be to think that they had neglected their mother and she died thinking that they didn't love her. Of course, she knew they loved her, they were just busy with their lives and their children that she had never met. She knew, but they would never know. So instead of staring at the sloping lawns of her humble property, today she decided she would spite her children by using the only method to kill the pain of being at rock bottom.
She slowly stood up, arthritis was wreaking havoc on her joints so it took her a minute, but she was eventually standing. The old woman then shuffled to her living room where the nurse left her medication. She reached for her pills, knowing that these breaths were among the last she would take on this earth. The woman had become accustomed to taking pills and swallowed them without needing any water at all. They went down and she laid down on the oriental rug to wait for the pills to take effect.
She closed her eyes and immediately saw an ethereal vision. One of magnificent proportions with vivid colors she hadn't seen with her eyes open since her eyes were young and she had the vitality of a woman in her twenties. She watched as she soared free through a surreal expanse of people and places she had seen long before she became an old woman. She regretted spending so long sitting in her chair, so much time wasted longing for her boys. She regretted not seeing more of the world in her old age while she had less responsibilities and more time. She should have caught up with all of her living friends and family. She should have put forth the effort.
Suddenly her vision ended. The old woman was ripped back into reality by a suffocating feeling. Her body was paralyzed as she opened her eyes and for a moment realized she was choking on the contents of her stomach.
There was so much regret. She needed this to stop so she could go see her boys. She wanted to see the grand canyon. She wasn't ready to go. She wants to see her grandchildren but all she could see was the ceiling. All she could feel was the stifling thickness of lungs full of vomit. She twitched for several seconds, eventually breaking her resolve and letting a single tear fall from her right eye. Her body gave a final shudder.
And then there was emptiness.
She was known once in the community for being a sprightly young dancer but had given up such things for a simple life at home. She married her since deceased husband, raised three boys, all who moved out years ago and had resolved to sit in her kitchen she loved so much until they came home. Summers and winters would pass with no sign of her boys, but her steely resolve never wandered. She would wait.
That's what she did, for twenty years she sat, the only company being her nurse who would come around once a day to give her medication and make sure she was still alive. The nurse, Jacqueline was her name, would indulge the woman in conversation most days, but it was too superficial. Jacqueline would comment on the weather and maybe tell the woman about happenings in the middle east or the west coast depending on the state of the world at the time. The old woman looked forward to the visits, but it was nothing compared the the joy she would feel when her sons returned to take her away from the house that had become a crypt for her disintegrating body.
The woman yearned for her youth, for the years she spent dancing for princes and dignitaries. She was a performer at heart and she never really forgave herself for giving it up to raise a family. Most likely, the woman wouldn't have done it any other way, she loved her sons more than she loved life. She toyed with the notion of ending her life, perhaps what came next would be preferable to the pain she was enduring now, but she couldn't bring herself to find out. She had plenty of pills, plenty of knives, plenty of electronics to drop in the tub when the nurse wasn't looking... but she couldn't conquer the fear of the unknown long enough to change her current state.
On this current afternoon, however, with the nurse having left for the day to tend to her many other patients, the old woman was toying with the notion once again. Her heart would skip a beat thinking about how much her children would miss her when she was gone. How upset they would be to think that they had neglected their mother and she died thinking that they didn't love her. Of course, she knew they loved her, they were just busy with their lives and their children that she had never met. She knew, but they would never know. So instead of staring at the sloping lawns of her humble property, today she decided she would spite her children by using the only method to kill the pain of being at rock bottom.
She slowly stood up, arthritis was wreaking havoc on her joints so it took her a minute, but she was eventually standing. The old woman then shuffled to her living room where the nurse left her medication. She reached for her pills, knowing that these breaths were among the last she would take on this earth. The woman had become accustomed to taking pills and swallowed them without needing any water at all. They went down and she laid down on the oriental rug to wait for the pills to take effect.
She closed her eyes and immediately saw an ethereal vision. One of magnificent proportions with vivid colors she hadn't seen with her eyes open since her eyes were young and she had the vitality of a woman in her twenties. She watched as she soared free through a surreal expanse of people and places she had seen long before she became an old woman. She regretted spending so long sitting in her chair, so much time wasted longing for her boys. She regretted not seeing more of the world in her old age while she had less responsibilities and more time. She should have caught up with all of her living friends and family. She should have put forth the effort.
Suddenly her vision ended. The old woman was ripped back into reality by a suffocating feeling. Her body was paralyzed as she opened her eyes and for a moment realized she was choking on the contents of her stomach.
There was so much regret. She needed this to stop so she could go see her boys. She wanted to see the grand canyon. She wasn't ready to go. She wants to see her grandchildren but all she could see was the ceiling. All she could feel was the stifling thickness of lungs full of vomit. She twitched for several seconds, eventually breaking her resolve and letting a single tear fall from her right eye. Her body gave a final shudder.
And then there was emptiness.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I Want A Cliche
What if it's you?
The one I've been looking for
The one that I had adored
The one that I knew before
You
What have we become?
The things we said we'd never do
The things I've done to you
The things we've lost all the way
Through
Where did you go?
I lost you so far along the way
I lost you to the things you'd say
I lost you to the words you wrote
To me
Now we long for each other
Drinking for the sufferer
Never letting go of the things we should have done
And forgetting all the good we've done
Just living for the past.
The one I've been looking for
The one that I had adored
The one that I knew before
You
What have we become?
The things we said we'd never do
The things I've done to you
The things we've lost all the way
Through
Where did you go?
I lost you so far along the way
I lost you to the things you'd say
I lost you to the words you wrote
To me
Now we long for each other
Drinking for the sufferer
Never letting go of the things we should have done
And forgetting all the good we've done
Just living for the past.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Random Unfiltered Thoughts
I shall take a break from my normal sub-par anti-poetry.
I shall now write a brief summary of my thoughts.
Here goes:
a journey of the imagination is what is lying under my eyelids. i can drop a small amount of liquid on my tongue and be another person inside another world for hours upon hours. i need this to get out of where i am. i need a new look a new place a new speak for those who spake out against the crimson wave of establishment. i have thoughts too deep to turn in to words. i need to create words to express the feelings that are lying under the surface of this man. i have feelings coursing through my nervous system from the top of my head to the tip of my cock. i have feelings. i have hate. i have love. i have despair and poetry. i have nothing left but despair and poetry to fill the voids left from the lack of drugs. i yearn for the drugs that opened up my mind years ago. the drugs have been taken away. i need words. i need drugs. i need necessity. i need a wanton desire for lust to break the wall of love. i am confused by my own mind. where is my mind? where is my brain? two and the same until the split between the frame. love. hate. debate. shame.
I shall now write a brief summary of my thoughts.
Here goes:
a journey of the imagination is what is lying under my eyelids. i can drop a small amount of liquid on my tongue and be another person inside another world for hours upon hours. i need this to get out of where i am. i need a new look a new place a new speak for those who spake out against the crimson wave of establishment. i have thoughts too deep to turn in to words. i need to create words to express the feelings that are lying under the surface of this man. i have feelings coursing through my nervous system from the top of my head to the tip of my cock. i have feelings. i have hate. i have love. i have despair and poetry. i have nothing left but despair and poetry to fill the voids left from the lack of drugs. i yearn for the drugs that opened up my mind years ago. the drugs have been taken away. i need words. i need drugs. i need necessity. i need a wanton desire for lust to break the wall of love. i am confused by my own mind. where is my mind? where is my brain? two and the same until the split between the frame. love. hate. debate. shame.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Serotonin/Dopamine Pendulum
I need a place to lay my head at night
I need to escape this awful daily dread
The necessary evil that I fight with
Every day should have killed me years ago
But I persevere and drink daily
Drop the needles and pick up the bottles
Drop the powder and pick up the smoke
I feel a yearning to be free from it
But a connection deeper than karma
A connection through the years
Caressing my body and querying my fears
Lines of ancestral blood coursing through
I have all I want, but I still want you
To kiss my hands and fondle my heart
To slit my wrists and to feel smart
The pain is secondary to the happiness
The serotonin-dopamine receptor
Necessary to quell the urges inside
While my brain tries to run and hide
I just need a place to rest
Lay my head down
And let this pass.
I need to escape this awful daily dread
The necessary evil that I fight with
Every day should have killed me years ago
But I persevere and drink daily
Drop the needles and pick up the bottles
Drop the powder and pick up the smoke
I feel a yearning to be free from it
But a connection deeper than karma
A connection through the years
Caressing my body and querying my fears
Lines of ancestral blood coursing through
I have all I want, but I still want you
To kiss my hands and fondle my heart
To slit my wrists and to feel smart
The pain is secondary to the happiness
The serotonin-dopamine receptor
Necessary to quell the urges inside
While my brain tries to run and hide
I just need a place to rest
Lay my head down
And let this pass.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Woman.
Never seen
in plain sight
But once again
never had the delight
Of meeting a woman
so cute and bold
One that makes me feel young,
And at the same time old.
in plain sight
But once again
never had the delight
Of meeting a woman
so cute and bold
One that makes me feel young,
And at the same time old.
Heroin v2.0
The neverending yearning for desire
was lit like an eternal fire
Dripping wax congeals on the floor
Next to my needle and my whore.
I cradle my arm
The blood dripping down
Pooling in my hand.
Cigarette smoke lingers on high
Intertwining with the night sky
The dusky haze that confuses
Day and night rarely loses
But when they do
We all know who's next
The dark figure silently waiting.
This grips me tighter than a vice
The one that kills men and mice
Maybe Steinbeck will be proud
But now I'm left crying loud.
was lit like an eternal fire
Dripping wax congeals on the floor
Next to my needle and my whore.
I cradle my arm
The blood dripping down
Pooling in my hand.
Cigarette smoke lingers on high
Intertwining with the night sky
The dusky haze that confuses
Day and night rarely loses
But when they do
We all know who's next
The dark figure silently waiting.
This grips me tighter than a vice
The one that kills men and mice
Maybe Steinbeck will be proud
But now I'm left crying loud.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Well... online tests are always fun.
Who'da thunk it?
Who'da thunk it?
| Disorder | Your Score |
|---|---|
| Major Depression: | High |
| Dysthymia: | Slight-Moderate |
| Bipolar Disorder: | Very High |
| Cyclothymia: | Slight-Moderate |
| Seasonal Affective Disorder: | High-Moderate |
| Postpartum Depression: | N/A |
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Changes
Feelings change
The once platonic
Sometimes becomes
Romantic
I'm sure no one will read this.
But I need to tell her...
I love her.
The once platonic
Sometimes becomes
Romantic
I'm sure no one will read this.
But I need to tell her...
I love her.
Friday, October 07, 2011
Hobbit
Like a kid sister
I feel protective
You should feel love
And not taken advantage of
You might read this one day
You might see my point of view
You might look back
And realize the words I spoke to you
Are only true
No lies, no deception
I pick my words carefully
I measure them
I would never take advantage
For some reason I want the best
For you. I feel like you want me to
To look after you
But not tell you what to do.
And even if you don't
I care about you
I told you to duck from a bullet
You argued with the truth
I speak from my heart
When I speak to you
I need you to
Listen up and take a lesson
From someone who's been
In that position
You might think all is well
And everything might be swell
But good turns bad
And beautiful turns ugly
I want you to have the best
And the best only
So listen to me
When I beg you to leave
Not for my own agenda
I just need you to surrender
Give up and leave him alone
He's bad for you
And in me you always have a home.
Once again I don't love you like that
I don't want a crack at the crack
Or even a pat on the back
I care about you the way a brother would
Which is surprising
Given the current situation
But you may not listen to what you should
Do in your life, you're stubborn as an ox
But you're clever as a fox
And I think you know
Deep down inside
What you got to do
I feel protective
You should feel love
And not taken advantage of
You might read this one day
You might see my point of view
You might look back
And realize the words I spoke to you
Are only true
No lies, no deception
I pick my words carefully
I measure them
I would never take advantage
For some reason I want the best
For you. I feel like you want me to
To look after you
But not tell you what to do.
And even if you don't
I care about you
I told you to duck from a bullet
You argued with the truth
I speak from my heart
When I speak to you
I need you to
Listen up and take a lesson
From someone who's been
In that position
You might think all is well
And everything might be swell
But good turns bad
And beautiful turns ugly
I want you to have the best
And the best only
So listen to me
When I beg you to leave
Not for my own agenda
I just need you to surrender
Give up and leave him alone
He's bad for you
And in me you always have a home.
Once again I don't love you like that
I don't want a crack at the crack
Or even a pat on the back
I care about you the way a brother would
Which is surprising
Given the current situation
But you may not listen to what you should
Do in your life, you're stubborn as an ox
But you're clever as a fox
And I think you know
Deep down inside
What you got to do
Primal Scream
You promised.
What the fuck?
You dirty bitch
You stupid cunt.
I thought we were
Supposed to grow old
To die side by side
A long long ride
Full of happiness
Full of trust
And forgiveness.
You piss me off,
More than words can express
You get me off
But each day, less and less
I don't even care
I could give two shits
What you think
About me smoking
Or the way I drink.
Fuck you
Burn in hell bitch
I hope you die
And rot in a drainage ditch.
What the fuck?
You dirty bitch
You stupid cunt.
I thought we were
Supposed to grow old
To die side by side
A long long ride
Full of happiness
Full of trust
And forgiveness.
You piss me off,
More than words can express
You get me off
But each day, less and less
I don't even care
I could give two shits
What you think
About me smoking
Or the way I drink.
Fuck you
Burn in hell bitch
I hope you die
And rot in a drainage ditch.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Soliloquy
Where am I?
Am I at peace?
I could never be at peace
With the turmoil that runs
Rampant through my mind,
My soul, and my heart.
If one more thing turns out
The wrong way
I might just fall apart.
But don't worry about me
Not that anyone would
The dark times have passed
As they always do.
And dawn is breaking
As I look out my window
I'm taking it in
And the beauty calms
My quivering heart.
Am I at peace?
I could never be at peace
With the turmoil that runs
Rampant through my mind,
My soul, and my heart.
If one more thing turns out
The wrong way
I might just fall apart.
But don't worry about me
Not that anyone would
The dark times have passed
As they always do.
And dawn is breaking
As I look out my window
I'm taking it in
And the beauty calms
My quivering heart.
I'm Back!
I just realized that there's about 10 people a day that visit this blog... and 10 is better than 0... so I'm going to start posting again.
I'm excited about it... anyone else?
I'm excited about it... anyone else?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Done For Now
I can't write anymore because I am unable to think of words strong enough to express the feelings I have for you.
Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.
Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Eternity
My hopes and dreams
have come true once again
And now I'm happier
Than I have ever been
I found my angel
The one I've always adored
The one who was thrown
To the side and ignored
She brings a smile
To my weathered face
And I'm happy that she
Has given into love's chase
I'd like to be forgiven
For every time I've denied her name
Each moment that I thought of another
I only brought myself more shame
Now I've faced the truth
I know that I'll be happy with life
No more fighting, no more pain
Only happiness and joy with my future wife.
have come true once again
And now I'm happier
Than I have ever been
I found my angel
The one I've always adored
The one who was thrown
To the side and ignored
She brings a smile
To my weathered face
And I'm happy that she
Has given into love's chase
I'd like to be forgiven
For every time I've denied her name
Each moment that I thought of another
I only brought myself more shame
Now I've faced the truth
I know that I'll be happy with life
No more fighting, no more pain
Only happiness and joy with my future wife.
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