Random Unfiltered Thoughts

I shall take a break from my normal sub-par anti-poetry.
I shall now write a brief summary of my thoughts.
Here goes:

a journey of the imagination is what is lying under my eyelids. i can drop a small amount of liquid on my tongue and be another person inside another world for hours upon hours. i need this to get out of where i am. i need a new look a new place a new speak for those who spake out against the crimson wave of establishment. i have thoughts too deep to turn in to words. i need to create words to express the feelings that are lying under the surface of this man. i have feelings coursing through my nervous system from the top of my head to the tip of my cock. i have feelings. i have hate. i have love. i have despair and poetry. i have nothing left but despair and poetry to fill the voids left from the lack of drugs. i yearn for the drugs that opened up my mind years ago. the drugs have been taken away. i need words. i need drugs. i need necessity. i need a wanton desire for lust to break the wall of love. i am confused by my own mind. where is my mind? where is my brain? two and the same until the split between the frame. love. hate. debate. shame.

Serotonin/Dopamine Pendulum

I need a place to lay my head at night
I need to escape this awful daily dread
The necessary evil that I fight with
Every day should have killed me years ago
But I persevere and drink daily
Drop the needles and pick up the bottles
Drop the powder and pick up the smoke
I feel a yearning to be free from it
But a connection deeper than karma
A connection through the years
Caressing my body and querying my fears
Lines of ancestral blood coursing through
I have all I want, but I still want you
To kiss my hands and fondle my heart
To slit my wrists and to feel smart
The pain is secondary to the happiness
The serotonin-dopamine receptor
Necessary to quell the urges inside
While my brain tries to run and hide
I just need a place to rest
Lay my head down
And let this pass.

Woman.

Never seen
in plain sight
But once again
never had the delight
Of meeting a woman
so cute and bold
One that makes me feel young,
And at the same time old.

Heroin v2.0

The neverending yearning for desire
was lit like an eternal fire
Dripping wax congeals on the floor
Next to my needle and my whore.

I cradle my arm
The blood dripping down
Pooling in my hand.

Cigarette smoke lingers on high
Intertwining with the night sky
The dusky haze that confuses
Day and night rarely loses

But when they do
We all know who's next
The dark figure silently waiting.

This grips me tighter than a vice
The one that kills men and mice
Maybe Steinbeck will be proud
But now I'm left crying loud.

Well... online tests are always fun.
Who'da thunk it?

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very High
Cyclothymia:	Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A

Changes

Feelings change
The once platonic
Sometimes becomes
Romantic
I'm sure no one will read this.
But I need to tell her...
I love her.

Hobbit

Like a kid sister
I feel protective
You should feel love
And not taken advantage of
You might read this one day
You might see my point of view
You might look back
And realize the words I spoke to you
Are only true
No lies, no deception
I pick my words carefully
I measure them
I would never take advantage
For some reason I want the best
For you. I feel like you want me to
To look after you
But not tell you what to do.
And even if you don't
I care about you
I told you to duck from a bullet
You argued with the truth
I speak from my heart
When I speak to you
I need you to
Listen up and take a lesson
From someone who's been
In that position
You might think all is well
And everything might be swell
But good turns bad
And beautiful turns ugly
I want you to have the best
And the best only
So listen to me
When I beg you to leave
Not for my own agenda
I just need you to surrender
Give up and leave him alone
He's bad for you
And in me you always have a home.
Once again I don't love you like that
I don't want a crack at the crack
Or even a pat on the back
I care about you the way a brother would
Which is surprising
Given the current situation
But you may not listen to what you should
Do in your life, you're stubborn as an ox
But you're clever as a fox
And I think you know
Deep down inside
What you got to do

Primal Scream

You promised.
What the fuck?
You dirty bitch
You stupid cunt.
I thought we were
Supposed to grow old
To die side by side
A long long ride
Full of happiness
Full of trust
And forgiveness.
You piss me off,
More than words can express
You get me off
But each day, less and less
I don't even care
I could give two shits
What you think
About me smoking
Or the way I drink.
Fuck you
Burn in hell bitch
I hope you die
And rot in a drainage ditch.

Soliloquy

Where am I?
Am I at peace?
I could never be at peace
With the turmoil that runs
Rampant through my mind,
My soul, and my heart.
If one more thing turns out
The wrong way
I might just fall apart.
But don't worry about me
Not that anyone would
The dark times have passed
As they always do.
And dawn is breaking
As I look out my window
I'm taking it in
And the beauty calms
My quivering heart.

I'm Back!

I just realized that there's about 10 people a day that visit this blog... and 10 is better than 0... so I'm going to start posting again.

I'm excited about it... anyone else?

Done For Now

I can't write anymore because I am unable to think of words strong enough to express the feelings I have for you.

Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Eternity

My hopes and dreams
have come true once again
And now I'm happier
Than I have ever been

I found my angel
The one I've always adored
The one who was thrown
To the side and ignored

She brings a smile
To my weathered face
And I'm happy that she
Has given into love's chase

I'd like to be forgiven
For every time I've denied her name
Each moment that I thought of another
I only brought myself more shame

Now I've faced the truth
I know that I'll be happy with life
No more fighting, no more pain
Only happiness and joy with my future wife.

White Lilies

White lilies
I remember everything
Your scent
You were my everything
If only you knew
What had become
Of me and you
Dark chocolate
And cigarette kisses
AFI and painting
Pictures in the park
Shows after dark
Sneaking around
And now I'm left
Nothing to do but yearn
Nothing to do but learn
From my mistakes and try
To figure out what
I did wrong and why
You rarely even talk
When we talk it's nothing
What happened to
The old times when
It was just lilies
And dark chocolate
With cigarette kisses

God

I remember when we were young
Children, playing in the sun.

A woman told us to have faith
That was enough to keep us saved.

And as we all got older
Our hearts became colder.

I don't know how a God could let
Any of this happen, all my regret.

I can't see you, you don't exist
Why would you let a friend cut their wrist?

Does no one else see the sick joke?
Does anyone else want to smoke?
Does anyone else want to drink?

Does anyone else want to be free enough to have a brain and think?

Better Man

If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel fear
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel sad
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel meek
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying

If I was a better man
I would feel anger
If I was a better man
I would feel strength
If I was a better man
I would feel like one
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying