Well... online tests are always fun.
Who'da thunk it?

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very High
Cyclothymia:	Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A

Changes

Feelings change
The once platonic
Sometimes becomes
Romantic
I'm sure no one will read this.
But I need to tell her...
I love her.

Hobbit

Like a kid sister
I feel protective
You should feel love
And not taken advantage of
You might read this one day
You might see my point of view
You might look back
And realize the words I spoke to you
Are only true
No lies, no deception
I pick my words carefully
I measure them
I would never take advantage
For some reason I want the best
For you. I feel like you want me to
To look after you
But not tell you what to do.
And even if you don't
I care about you
I told you to duck from a bullet
You argued with the truth
I speak from my heart
When I speak to you
I need you to
Listen up and take a lesson
From someone who's been
In that position
You might think all is well
And everything might be swell
But good turns bad
And beautiful turns ugly
I want you to have the best
And the best only
So listen to me
When I beg you to leave
Not for my own agenda
I just need you to surrender
Give up and leave him alone
He's bad for you
And in me you always have a home.
Once again I don't love you like that
I don't want a crack at the crack
Or even a pat on the back
I care about you the way a brother would
Which is surprising
Given the current situation
But you may not listen to what you should
Do in your life, you're stubborn as an ox
But you're clever as a fox
And I think you know
Deep down inside
What you got to do

Primal Scream

You promised.
What the fuck?
You dirty bitch
You stupid cunt.
I thought we were
Supposed to grow old
To die side by side
A long long ride
Full of happiness
Full of trust
And forgiveness.
You piss me off,
More than words can express
You get me off
But each day, less and less
I don't even care
I could give two shits
What you think
About me smoking
Or the way I drink.
Fuck you
Burn in hell bitch
I hope you die
And rot in a drainage ditch.

Soliloquy

Where am I?
Am I at peace?
I could never be at peace
With the turmoil that runs
Rampant through my mind,
My soul, and my heart.
If one more thing turns out
The wrong way
I might just fall apart.
But don't worry about me
Not that anyone would
The dark times have passed
As they always do.
And dawn is breaking
As I look out my window
I'm taking it in
And the beauty calms
My quivering heart.

I'm Back!

I just realized that there's about 10 people a day that visit this blog... and 10 is better than 0... so I'm going to start posting again.

I'm excited about it... anyone else?

Done For Now

I can't write anymore because I am unable to think of words strong enough to express the feelings I have for you.

Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Eternity

My hopes and dreams
have come true once again
And now I'm happier
Than I have ever been

I found my angel
The one I've always adored
The one who was thrown
To the side and ignored

She brings a smile
To my weathered face
And I'm happy that she
Has given into love's chase

I'd like to be forgiven
For every time I've denied her name
Each moment that I thought of another
I only brought myself more shame

Now I've faced the truth
I know that I'll be happy with life
No more fighting, no more pain
Only happiness and joy with my future wife.

White Lilies

White lilies
I remember everything
Your scent
You were my everything
If only you knew
What had become
Of me and you
Dark chocolate
And cigarette kisses
AFI and painting
Pictures in the park
Shows after dark
Sneaking around
And now I'm left
Nothing to do but yearn
Nothing to do but learn
From my mistakes and try
To figure out what
I did wrong and why
You rarely even talk
When we talk it's nothing
What happened to
The old times when
It was just lilies
And dark chocolate
With cigarette kisses

God

I remember when we were young
Children, playing in the sun.

A woman told us to have faith
That was enough to keep us saved.

And as we all got older
Our hearts became colder.

I don't know how a God could let
Any of this happen, all my regret.

I can't see you, you don't exist
Why would you let a friend cut their wrist?

Does no one else see the sick joke?
Does anyone else want to smoke?
Does anyone else want to drink?

Does anyone else want to be free enough to have a brain and think?

Better Man

If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel fear
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel sad
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel meek
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying

If I was a better man
I would feel anger
If I was a better man
I would feel strength
If I was a better man
I would feel like one
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying

After All We've Been Through

How can you think I don't love you
After all we've been through?
How can you think I sleep at night
After all we've been through?
How can you think I live in peace
After all we've been through?

There's something to be said
For lives intertwined and lost.
There's something to be said
For times full of empathy and reason.
There's something to be said
For episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

And now I'm lonelier than ever
Just sitting around writing in remorse.
And now I'm only go through the motions
Just sitting around writing in remorse.
And now I'm broken and I'll never be whole
Just sitting around writing in remorse.

Night

Black clouds
On the grey sky
Street lights
Burned out
Trees dying
Waste of light
Waste of life
Electricity
Catharsis
In the minds eye
It thwarts us

Truth

New relationships breed hate
Tying nooses to love another
Loading guns to kiss another
Buying drugs to fuck another

Old relationships breed lies
Everything is alright
Everything is normal
Everything is great

Fulfillment

drink
        smoke
                  fuck <--> HEDONIST
        smoke
drink

Somotalita

i might be losing it

         i hate the clown inside

if i snap tomorrow

                i want it documented

that i tried

     i tried too hard

          and then gave up

to live another life

I doubt it.

"He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger"
-Brad Paisley

I've found myself lost in despair
Forlorn, forgotten, and forgone
Maybe one day the chains will break
And I will be set free
But I doubt it

Someday the prison walls will fall
Crumble around us prisoners of love
Make us drop to the ground
And praise the Good Lord
But I doubt it

Sometime in the future this ship
Will find dry land and go to port
I'll be on dry ground for once
My hopes will be fulfilled
But I doubt it

Haphazard

I need to stop writing
I no longer write out of love
My muse is not happiness,
But anger taking over
Rearing it's ugly head
And I am all but dead

I can barely put together
A stanza or two
Without thinking of hate
Or reliving old fear
I've done so much to regret
I am forever in your debt

Now the cigarette smoke curls
And I hear the tones of music
It used to make me happy
But no longer can I forget
The things I've said and done
And the women that are gone

Shit.

Simmering in thoughts
Of long forgotten dreams
New aspirations give way
To long tedious reams
Paper and ink cast over the sink
And drippings of coffee
Splattered carelessly

Maybe a muse or perhaps not
I can't stop...

...FUCK.

I'm not in the mood to write.

Fuck it.

In pain.

Feelings of emptiness have become commonplace
I've given up trying to put on a happy face
You no longer speak to me, like all other women
I alienate, I vacate, I fall to my knees in pain.

Thanks

You've only reinforced the evil I already believed women to be.

Drunkkk

I will always have feelings for you.
I think about you and her every day.
But not everything can always be
Perfect for her and perfect for me.

But you have a perfect little life now
With your one true love, apparently.
And I am thankful to be tossed to the side
To lay on the road waiting to die.

I am happy for you and for my little one
Happy that you two can finally be done
With me and with everything I do
I'll be a different man when I come back.

I don't know. I'm tired.

I wish that I could tell you something
That you ain't never heard before
But I am so unoriginal
And I keep trying to think of more

I can't help what I feel for you
Or the things you make me want to do
I can't help these thoughts I know
Can only mean that I love you so

Ugh.

I saw you at the bar tonight. I saw you getting drunker by the minute. You asked me how I'm doing and, because I'm a liar, answered, "Good as always, how about you?" I'm sure you didn't answer. If you did, I don't remember. I love you more than I love myself. I know you're a married woman. I know I am not in your top 20 list of priorities. I know I have more baggage than you could ever put up with. But I wish I could tell you what I wish for on a nightly basis. I don't pray. If prayer worked... life would be completely different... and I might actually not be writing about you. So I wish... it does the same thing as prayer, I just don't have to talk to an imaginary man. I can't ever stop thinking about you. I hate being away from you. I'm starting to hate being around you... not because I don't absolutely adore you, I just know you don't care.

So this is the end of my sad story from tonight I guess. I went over to another tab and forgot I was writing this. You know I'm going to have feelings for you until the day I die. And I am prepared to deal with that.

I love you and good night.

Inalienable Right

A murder of crows flies into the waning sunset
And the casket is stripped of it's old glory
The salute is lacking live rounds for fear
That death would come again to the live one
But the living should be gone in good time
And never will there be another bad rhyme
So stew in the reaping of your life's harvest
While innocent men ruin their lives and fight
For freedom to kill and the right to die
Don't stop a soldier,
a soldier will always prevail.

Pointless

It seems pointless to keep updating this.

No one reads it anyway.

Morning Thoughts

Getting out of bed in the morning seems like such a drag.
Maybe one of these days I'll just lay in bed until I die.
I can't wait until I can just wither away on a mattress.
What fun... oh what fun it will be.

This Is What I Think About

Goldfish swimming in a little ugly pond
Rain drops killing all the ugly little moms
Babies running through the meadow
I can hear the pitter-patter
I can hear the whistle blowing
As the train comes to take me away

Dog food in a bowl waiting on the shelf
Eating mice and bowls of rice is not a living hell
Angels coming for you now
I can hear the wings go
I can hear the swords unsheathe
As the samurai comes to kill me

Ancient mystics sang their songs softly
Druids sacrifice another for their gods
Satan's laughing with delight
I can hear you calling
I can hear you laughing loud
As I fall into a pit and never do return

Hypothalamus helps them to fall asleep and dream
Blue clouds drop over me bringing on white rain
Children bring their guns to school
I can hear them crying
I can hear them aiming down
As I take my last deep breath, don't stop me

I'm Talking About You

Do you read this?
Or do you think of me?
When I'm lonely
in my misery.

Does it get you off to keep me in the dark?

Will you ever
bring me to light?
You could always
give me back my life.

Will anything ever be like it was before?

Why can't you
just talk to me
normally
like it used to be?

Why won't you just leave me for dead?

If I had a wish
I would want you to
accept me and love me.
Just hold me.

Do you even know who I'm talking about right now?

Cry

I cry each and every day
And yet the pain won't go away
Almost fed up with all this shit
I wish these cunts could just quit.



**Author's note: If you just got upset by this... I'm not calling you a cunt. HOLLY! :-P I don't think you're a cunt, it was written about someone else**

Just Some Venting

"And the four right chords can make me cry."
-Third Eye Blind Semi-Charmed Life

Take me home
I don't want to sleep alone
Sleepless nights
Even though I pretend it's alright
I can't help
How I feel
But I think I should
Apologize to you
Why does life have to be so simple
Yet so difficult in its simplicity?
I could fix the situation
With three small words
Or maybe I would destroy a life
With the same three words
I don't know anymore
But I do know
That until I hear otherwise
I'm keeping my thoughts
And my hands
To myself.

The Angel You Are

**Author note: I actually spent some time on this one... revised it a little bit... it wasn't off the top of my head like most of my writing.**

I seem to have aged years in the past seven days
Although, I have learned what it is to love,
And I've seen what it's like to have a lack thereof.
Just like the wise man always says:
"It's better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved before."
But the wise old man never had to pay the cost
of hearing the slam of a closing door.
The door that locks out the heart of a woman,
It closes out all the things that could have been.
I thought it might have been different with you
But I guess he saved his prize. You'll never have to
Be treated like the angel you are.

Over

Anything I wanted
Is as well as over
It will never happen
I know that now.

Why I'm Drunk

I'm sitting in my room.
Drinking liquor straight.
The drunker I get the easier it is.
I hate myself most days.
But when I'm drunk I love who I am.
I love being happy.
I love being carefree.
I love being drunk.
Because that's what it does for me.

"Somebody" - Depeche Mode

Tired Of Being Drunk And Pissed Off

Tired
Drunk
Pissed off.

I wish it was different
I wish you knew what I do
I wish you could tell
That I would take a bullet for you

This shit isn't even going to make sense
But I don't really give a shit anymore
All I want is you in my arms
Instead of hiding behind closed doors

Yearning never did me any good
Not only have I lost, but I never won
There's always been a lot of women
But you're the only one.

The only one that actually matters
The only one I don't want to drown
Leaving my heart in rags and tatters
I fell a long way when I fell down

I fell hard and I fell fast
But hypothetical will never last
I just wish my whole life was different
But I'd die if you were never in it

On occasion I think of my own mortality
And in a different situation I might be
Grateful for life, and not waiting for death
But I don't really care if I take another breath

And as you read through this
Don't ever think I would dismiss
My beautiful daughter, she just will never
Know who I am, but I'll love her forever

I'm not being selfish, you're just the only one
The only person I can see, the one who takes my life
Not in a physical way, but more emotional
The devotion sticks in my ribs like a knife.

I know I'm going to die alone.
I've come to accept it.
I'll never be with you.
I just have to accept it.

First, probably the last.

Discretion is paramount to success
And although it may never happen again
I cherish it for what it was
And I will remember it always.

I Am Alone

I am alone.
Lost and cold.
I am alone.
No one here but me.

I am alone.
I have nobody.
I am alone.
Nobody here to love.

Beyla

Everything I want to tell you
Everything you will be put through
This world is crazy, it's pretty insane
With the snow and the ice and constant rain
The clouds bleed blood and birds just die
For no apparent reason, they fall from the sky

Violence erupts from coast to coast
All four corners of this planet three
Presidents boast, celebrities toast
But no one knows the same pain as me

My daughter, you will have trials
With pain and laughter and great denials
And if I can not be there to see you
Then I know someone who will help you through

Through the pain and the debt
Through the sadness and regret
The world is coming to an end
And this is all that I can send

I can only teach you a thing or two
Love all you can, when you're sad be blue
Happiness will come to a girl like you
Every emotion is important, feel them through

Disregard what people say
Go against the status quo
Life's too short for their way
I'm not smart, but this I know

You are perfect in every way
And I miss you every day
But there's one more thing
I need to say

I won't say don't go to bed mad
I won't say not to make others sad
I want you to live for you
Fuck other people, do what you do

If anyone ever tells you "You're wrong"
Give them a hug and sing them a song
Tell them why you do what you do
Your father approves, that's all you can do

Now for the last thing I need to tell you
I love you dearly, I'll never forget you
And if you someday read this in a book
Tell your friends its about you, let 'em have a look

Never

Never wage war against a master.
The student will never surpass.

Sleep

Can I sleep
Without chemicals coursing
Through my veins
And my intentional stupor
Fogging my brain
For days at a time?
Can I finally
Get some rest tonight
So that I can maybe
Feel alright
Without the pain
Of being awake?
I may have committed
A dire mistake
But it will keep me up
No matter if it's early or late.
I think about it
Night and day
I need an escape
From this waking death.
I might never
Get another breath
And if I don't
I will probably choke
On my own vomit
Thanks to the chemical
Coma I've forced myself
Under to a place
Where I can't get off
The drugs.

No Rhyme or Reason

And one more time again
I got home from work
What a long time it's been
Since I felt this lurk
This emotion of mine, I can not hide

I couldn't possibly be
Good enough for you, my love
But you're too good for me
And what I am afraid of
Is losing you and feeling empty inside

Mi Corazon

Por mi amor:

Mi corazon late por ti.
Te necesito cerca de mi.
Deseo que me ames demasiado,
La especial manera de que te amo.

You Make Me Feel (Work in Progress)

You make me feel
Like only drugs have
When I see you smile
When I hear you laugh
I get higher than
Any pill ever can
Make me.

You make me feel
Like only liquor does
When I see you smile
When I hear you laugh
I get more of a buzz than
Any beer ever can
Make me.

What if...

If I could,
Then I would.
But I can't,
And I shan't.
What would happen
If I did?
Although I know
HE would forbid.

Letters

Letters to you
Will never reach
Their destination.
I throw them out
After a brief
moment of hesitation.

Gotta Get Away In My Head

Yo, listen the fuck up
Shut up, gimme a minute
Lemme explain my method
I may be hypothetical
At times, I may be cynical
Not every word I write
Needs to be taken as the literal
Figuratively speaking
I may speak figuratively
Maybe when I write
It's a metaphor
For other situations
going on in my life
I don't need to take your shit
Just because you can't admit
That I can make an analogy
To something that may have happened to me
Ten years ago, or even ten minutes
Honestly, what the fuck is the difference?
It's all in the past
Or it's all in my head
I just hope I get to write
So there's something left
When I'm dead
Most of this I just make up
Because it makes me feel good
To think a new life up
I hate where I am right now
I need an escape, somewhere somehow
This is all I know how to do
But somehow you've made it up to you
To destroy the last thing I can do
To get an escape, to get away from you.

Proof

I don't know
How one person could make another
Feel so at home so far away
And I feel I have so much to say
Just no way to say it
There's no way for you to know
How much I love you
No way for me to show
How far I would go to prove
My love to you is true.

My Head, Your Shoulder

As I lay here
My head resting on you
The soft white skin
Of your shoulder
Rubs against my
Five o'clock shadow
And the smell of your hair
Makes me think
Of a spring night
With the moon high
And the fireflies lit
I could rest forever
With my head on your shoulder

I Cherish Her Every Lasting Second

Driving 100 kilometers to nowhere
Is sometimes the journey to an end
Not a physical end but an emotion
One massive in longing and devotion

It can be easy to break a bond
But difficult to band together
I might live like a sinner but I tried damn hard
To live like a saint and let down my guard

Forgiveness comes easy when you love
But love never forgets your regrets
Never lets go of your debts or silly bets
Love might die but it will always win

Along with sin and debt and taxes
Love will kill you from the inside out
But I hope you will be different
I hope you can make me forget my travesties

Because when I see your eyes shine bright
I see the sunlight that I missed for years
Shining on my guilty face as I hope
That I can find some kind of dope

I need it to kill the demons inside of me
And to stay out of the mental penitentiary
I need it to stay sane while I search
Because I gave up and I'll never go back church

But you can be my savior
My messiah that saves me from my shit
I won't ever look back if you just sit
Sit with me, hold my hand... I won't look back

And my knees will be too weak to stand.
There won't be anywhere for me to run to
Because I'm running to your arms and I can feel
That the love I feel is very real

Nothing platonic, nothing of the sort
I'm changing back to my last resort
I need the drinks to help me cope
When I see your face floating above your coat

Your beautiful eyes remind me of times
That I couldn't see anything but pure beauty
The innocence on those parted lips brings back
Times when I thought I would cry or even die

Too beautiful for your own good
You get into trouble like I knew you would
I would never take my heart back from you
Because I cherish you... and I miss you too.

Anthology To My Heart

I scribble my hopes
Aspirations and doubts
In this notebook
It's an open door
To the pain in my soul
The love in my heart
The dread in my mind
I can't help it
It's almost an addiction
The smell of ink on paper
Separates the geniuses
From the bittersweet fools
Like you and me
And though I may
Never be Poe or Thoreau
I can still leave
An anthology to my heart

Creating Love Wherever

Our lips met
But I pretended not to notice
You're disregarded
Though I know you're a blue lotus
You gave birth to the sun
It's the only way
You could capture so much beauty
Without giving any away
Between the smoke
And the alcohol
I felt my hand reach
Try to touch yours
You have so much to teach
That fell on deaf ears, he ignores
Interlocked arms
On the snow-covered roads
Nat King Cole
Mixed with lime and SoCo
It's a brand new day
I've said what I had to say
But if it was any other way
You'd be in my arms today.
My heart lifts up
And my sorrow disappears
The sadness has been building
Behind all these tears
I can't help but to be happy
Whenever you are near.
I could never have any fear
When I'm with you, my dear.

Waking Up Every Morning

Not a day goes by
That I don't
consider leaving
Too narcissistic to
Ever let myself
stop breathing
So it's not
really a threat
I just regret
Waking up
Every morning.

Fake

We had a relationship built on chemicals
We started everything based on being high
I may have loved you, I may have not
But one thing that helped was the drugs.
If I was happy from doing coke
Snorting Valium and smoking dope,
If I was happy from tripping balls
Snorting codeine and Vic and smack,
Then how could I just stop and conform
To a life in hell, a life in uniform?
I got the easiest job I could
To pay the bills and feed you good
The easy path turned me from bad
To worse and I lost all that I had.
Not a day goes by that I don't sit and cry
Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself "Why?"
I would never say our love was fake
But I think you made a huge mistake
You chose this burned out hippie fuck
A stupid move, it was your bad luck
I'm not trying to shift the blame
I know I fucked up, it'll never be the same
And that I think, is a fucking shame
But it was my own fault for not being right
My own fault for losing sight
Of what was important to me in my life
I hurt myself and my beautiful wife.
But I'm just a piece of shit...
...I told you this, but I wouldn't let you quit.