Update 2

Yeah, so I know I only get about 20 - 30 people who read this each day. But my newer stuff is pretty much shite. The better poetry is from last year. I can't seem to put my thought's down as prose anymore. It could be loss of creativity... loss of imagination... loss of muse... but I don't think it is.

I have come to realize that I don't feel like I felt before. I don't dream like I dreamt before. I don't live like I lived before. I have become accustomed to a mundane lifestyle of processed foods and liquor. I have hit the end of my poetry career before it even started. And for this, I am sorry.

I am not sorry to anyone who reads my poetry, though. I am sorry to myself. I have let myself down in one of the few things that I actually enjoy doing anymore.

I can't stand to write like I used to. It has turned from something I used to explain every feeling I ever had to a venting for hate. I don't feel that I should continue writing until I bring something to the table that is not hate-filled and laced with animosity.

I will not update this blog for a while now. I have begun to concentrate on myself, on my inner happiness.

And now... to relax...

It's about me now, Bitch.

My wheels are spinning
While everyone's grinning
Don't care where I am in 10
Don't care where I am in 20
But by tomorrow I want change
Something needs to be
A little different in me
Something needs to happen
So I can not look back again

I'm done checking my rearview
Everything is all about the future
As of now
I can't stop thinking all these
Thoughts that bring me down
But I know
That I can leave you sitting
There and crying there and I don't care
Anymore.

New Friend

I'll try anything once
I'll try anything with you
You were there my whole life
Two thousand miles away
And if you can make a friend
In only two or even one day
Then I've gotta say
You're a friend
In a very special way.

Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss "Whiskey Lullaby"

Joni Mitchell

We are stardust.
We are golden.

Drug of Choice

"What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?"
-"Dirt" Alice in Chains

I use the words of Bob Ritchie
I need to find myself
as he tells me to rewind myself
I need to get a real job
Get some real friends
Cut my hair real short
And try to make amends
I will never regret
I will never look back
I will never die
Heartbreak will keep you down
But you don't need to wear a frown
Just look up and see
You're as small as me
We're just grains of sand
Blown into the sea
And no one will remember
When we are gone
No one will hold our legacy
Or the shit we've done wrong
Let it all go
Let it fall to the floor
Let it spin down the drain
One day we will remain
As the only people left
The ones that gave a damn
And maybe someone will remember
Maybe someone cares
But I doubt they're around
And they'll never be found

Colon Left Parenthesis

Why do I bother?
Why do I try?
I may as well jump
It'd be better to die.

Drunk

I'm drunk and alone
I wish to go home
But the girl on the phone
Tells me I won't be known

No one will see this face
Nobody knows the disgrace
Of what I've done and
Who was there to take a stand

So stand up and be known
Those of us without a home
Living life with disregard
Die by the gun and live by the card

She speaks through the phone again
Doing this won't make you men
But I reply in monotone
Don't leave me alone, but don't take me home

Face the fear that drowns in the face of adversity the unrelenting black mass of hatred in your heart will one day bloom a phoenix from which all hope shall be born.

Friends We Will Be

Lovers are long gone
But friendship will last
Live for the future
Don't dwell in the past
I missed you as a friend
And I thought about you
And the messages I used to send
Made me see that I'm blue
But now I see you hold no
Ill will towards me
And I've got to say so
I'm so fucking happy
We may not be lovers
And that's fine with me
We're not under the covers
But friends we will be.

Who What When Where.

What if
What if the answer
Has been here all along?
What if
What if the answer
Has been right under my nose?

Who could
Who could release me
From my misery and my sorrow?
Who could
Who could release me
From the pain and the anguish?

When will
When will I die
With my hands crossed ready to go?
When will
When will I die
With my neck in a noose, and blood in my boots?

Where do
Where do I go
From here when I hold nothing dear?
Where do
Where do I go
From here, when there is no one I know?

Nothing Less, Nothing More

Calm like the wind before the storm
The ocean in my soul settles
And brings me back to the day before I was born
Never have I known such love and warmth
Omnipotent in it's power to heal and dream
I wish every person in the world felt the same
The same joy of another, another one to hold
Dreams of fortune and health can be too bold
Just be happy with who you are in your soul
The rat race can be won without a gun
And you can stay alive in your nine to five
But it isn't for me, no I'm too lonely
A life of writing would be all I ask for
Nothing less and nothing more.

Reaction

Tattoos are taboo
If they don't mean a thing to you
"Prove my love to you?"
I know the truth
I've seen the side
Of you, you try to hide
I have nothing to hide
I shout from the roof
We fought nail and tooth
But now I'm happy
Without you
I don't need a thing
I don't need a ring
I, unlike you
Can be happy that its through
I unlike you
Can be happy with the fact
That I am me
And me is I
I could touch the sky
Because I'm so high
Don't need a woman
To make me feel good
I just need a bottle
And to put up my hood
Protect from the cold
From the snow
But it's still warmer
Than any love
That I have ever known

Walk-A-Long

Shame fails to amount
the taste in your mouth
The drops of acid
On your tongue
Brings way to song
In this walk-a-long
Dripping on down
To the downtown
Bringing in the ghost town
Killing everyone
Avoiding the sun
Drop to your knees
And you beg me please
I'll never look back
Til you're living in a shack
In your Podunk town
Listening to the sound
Of your brain cells crying
And the babies dyin
And no one wants you here
In this place I hold dear.
Take advantage of your fear
I live off your tears.

Hamster Wheel

Sobriety is an illumination
Illuminated by the essence
Of the effervescent demons
Brought on by the plague
Dragged to the bottom
Of the rocky ledge of pain
Rocky mountain sunshine
Bring on the moonshine
Drop it to the knees
Of our civil liberties
I can't explain myself
And I'm in poor health
I feel like death
When I take another breath
And I'll never feel your pain
But I have my own reign
To look over, glance over
Bring a part of me back
I can't stop the attack
Of the superficial
Omni - Potent
Reach-a-round
Bring it around
To escape
It's the easy fate
The prison release date
I can't help what I write
I mostly do it out of spite
I can't help what I feel
On this fucked up hamster wheel.

Dead To You

I spend more time crying
Than I spend awake
I cry in my sleep
Each night and day
I wish this pain would go away
But all I can do is just say

I wish you were here
And I'll always hold you dear
But you left me high and dry
And I always wondered why
I never had closure,
Never gave it a thought
Til I fell down and was broken
And I had nowhere to go
And now I just need you to tell me
I need to know

Why did you leave me all those years ago?
Why do you hate me after all this time?
What did I do to you to make you pissed?
To make you hate me. To be dismissed.

I wish I was someone else
A fucking Guido sitting in a club
I could grab your attention
Maybe even get a rub

But you don't even know what I look like anymore
But I remember how you smelled, all those years before
Before you were clubbing, and drinking all night
Back when we'd talk on the phone and never fight

I wish you could tell me just how you feel
But you're evasive about all that is real
I need you right now, and you blow me off
I hope I fucking die, but that might piss you off

Privacy

I am a private person
Generally
Hiding behind fancy phrases
Eventually
Leading me to a person whom
Thankfully
Might understand and lend a hand

I want my opinions heard
Vocalized
But I want my family life
Privatized
Maybe you can help me be freed
Chastised
Is always how I look out of these two eyes

Free me from my
Sanctuary
Chained to the cage of this
Tabernacle
Of sin and hate, you can't relate
Just let me go
And let go of your fate.

Dreams (It's a work in progress)

Dreams are crushed every day
You're not good enough
But you're great in every way

I don't have enough energy to say
What these fucks don't want you to hear
It's all about who they want to pay
And they just want you to disappear

We may not have college degrees
But that is just fine with me
We'll make it on our own
Somehow
We may not have the highest SAT's
But that is just fine with me
We'll figure it out on our own
Somehow

Dreams are crushed and they expect you to stay
In the same job, fucking day after day
Tell 'em off, tell 'em you don't want their greed

Because that's all the businesses want from you
They only want you to do what they tell you to
But I know we can be, better than that

We may not have college degrees
But that is just fine with me
We'll make it on our own
Somehow
We may not have the highest SAT's
But that is just fine with me
We'll figure it out on our own
Somehow

Death

Rape me
Rape me my friend
-"Rape Me" Nirvana


My head is pounding
Heart beating fast
I try to stand
But only collapse

I try to see
but only see black
I tried to stop
But now I'm back

Faces surround
As I gasp for air
I lay on the ground
And can only stare

As I fall far away
From misery and pain
I got my pay
And I'm finally sane

Blank Slate

I don't have a girlfriend
And in this I am glad
No one to make me feel like shit
No one to make me feel sad

I'm happy as hell
Just being alone
No one to hate me
Or fight on the phone

Curses to those who can not wait
For the perfect person
For the perfect mate

Curses to me, for I had no patience
Rushed into it blind
Without reservations

I'm glad right now
That I have nobody

Regardless of health
Happiness, or money

I am sure I will one day regret

My actions towards you, and yet

I feel nothing.

Carry Me

Sometimes I lose hope
In the people that I need most

Sometimes I need a friend
And I yell into a hole

Where does everybody go
To make me feel so alone?

And where will I end up?
In a hole with an empty cup?

I cry out to you
Please hear me through

I need a friend
Because I've got a lot to do

The weather brings me down
And no one hears a sound

I'm cold and alone
And there's no one on the phone

I could call you
I could see if you are there

But how do I know
If you want to talk to me?

I just need a shoulder
Someone to make me bolder

So I can say what I feel
Without fear of ridicule or sneers

Help me make it through this
Help me to stay strong

I have no religion, no God
And I don't feel I am wrong

But I know one of these days
I'll be more alone than I am now

Raindrops hitting rooftops
And no one hears a sound

So I will keep silently screaming
And I will keep loudly dreaming

Of someone
To carry
Me through this
Hell.

An Apology And A Hello

An apology
And a hello
May be all it takes
To revive
An old friendship
And a love on the side

An apology
And a hello
Can go farther than you know
I wish that it was easy
For me
To let you go

Now as I write this
I realize it
Sounds like I am
In love with you

I'm not in love with anyone
I don't even love myself
I'm dreading heaven
And I'm hoping for hell

An apology
And a hello
Is all I ask of you

Someday you will see
The same things that I see
Until then
We'll be friends
And I couldn't ask for more.

Peace!

Love cancels love
Cancels love
I don't love three different women
I never could explain my history
Your insecurities drive me wild
And eventually drama gets a bit old
No one wants to hear about you
With your lies and your boys
And your made up tattoo
No one gives a shit what you have to say
So leave me alone
Fuck with me some other day
You write shit on purpose
To make me mad
I ignore that garbage
Libelous comments never made me sad
It's just a bit annoying
That you were once my wife
If I could go back in time
I never would have stepped in your shit
Now it's tracked across the carpet
And no matter how hard I try to scrub
It wont come out. It won't come out.
I can't wait til I'm free
From this misery
You will never find me
I'll just be another part of your history.

Ring The Bell

Thorazine is needed
To keep you straight
Crazy bitches
Are just part
of my fate

Who can relate?
Who can tell me how it is
Wish I never did that shit
But this is how it is

Someone tell me why I try
Someone tell me why she lies
Someone tell me 'bout jealousy
That green eyed monster
For you and me

Why can't I live in peace
With my liquor and smokes?
When will you cease
Turning life into jokes?

Don't play with my fucking head
Someone's gonna wind up dead
It won't be me, I'll put up a fight
I'll stay alive, just out of spite

I wanna make someones life
A living fucking hell
I never wanted a wife
Who would take off her gloves
and ring the bell

Homesick

'Cause I'm homesick
For the home I've never had
-"Homesick" Soul Asylum


I'm homesick
But I can't go home
For home doesn't exist
For one like me

I would rather be on the road
Nomadic and never home
And I want to feel alone
Instead of being a drone

I can't escape this feeling
Of being around and needing
To keep up the facade
And never spare the rod

Where could my home be?
I'm sick with fascination
An unquenchable fantasy
To escape castration

Because although we believe
That the dream is in our grasp
There is no sympathy
For ones killed by this asp

It slithers and it tries
To kill our lives
And if you stay in this place
Then all that is, is disgrace

I'm homesick but I could never
Go home to that hell
Where everything is in order
And chaos is never the norm

Home is where the heart is
But this heart is moving on
Will I ever be consoled?
Or will I feel empty when I am old?

So live for today
There may not be a 'morrow
If you can sit and stay
All you will know is this sorrow

When I Get Old

I finally figured it out.

I'm going to die alone.

Forgotten and forlorn.

Let my cats feast on me

And the nurse finds my body

I'll be sitting in my chair

Waiting for the coroner

To take me away

And toss me in the bay

Let me sink to the bottom

Alone and forgotten.

Sleazy

I read what you wrote
And now I know
I'm not a rockstar
Not by far

I read what you wrote
And now I know
I'm not a husband
Not even a friend

I read what she wrote
And now I know
I'm not anything
So that's why I sing

I'm giving up now
That's why I'm writing this
To let you all know
That you'll be missed

But not for long
Only to the end
Of my next song

Because this road leads no where
And the days will never end
All you bring is loneliness, my friends

I wish we were
But we're not

If I could go back
I wouldn't give it
another shot

This shit keeps repeating
That's why I can
Write a poem to three
Different women

I loved you all at one time in my life
But all it brought me
was to the edge of a knife
So I'm letting you know
Once again
Thanks for everything
I'll never do that shit again.

Two Cow Garage "American Static"

Brothers

Lonely days lead to drunken nights
Lousy lays bring out the random fights
A car is a home when one is alone
Two friends can stay on the road,
Runaways

And the sun falls on another day
Six more months 'til the month of May
But who do you answer to
When God gave up
and there's so much left to do?

Between the weed and the speed
And the constant nicotine
The pain in their heads
With a Beretta as their beds
Who knew what would become
Of those two lost brothers
Drinking in the park
Dodging the police
and writing to their mothers
Begging take me back please

They never took into account
That their lives would happen
And they would never amount
To the expectations
Brought on by the greed
From the nicotine the weed
And souls would be lost
For the acid and the speed

The drunken nights brought the sun up on them
They left that home that was never forgotten
One went north and the other went to jail
They knew they couldn't win
But they wouldn't fucking fail.

Imagine

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
-John Lennon


I need an escape
from this reality
Dreamscape
Where pain is
Full and strong
And the relief
Is long gone
Where will it end?
Where will we be?
When death
Is the only equality?

Without You

I need inspiration from you
Just tell me what to do
And I'll do it for you
Just like I always do

I gave you everything you asked for
I never asked for anything in return
So just fuck me over like you did before
Back when I would just come back for more

But that shit's over
I turned a new leaf
I won't forgive myself
For what I let you do to me

So stop trying to have your way
This world isn't fair
And I've said what I have to say
You lost my respect
And I have no regrets
All I want to do is
Live in peace without you

So don't hold me back
Just take another pill
And fucking relax
Just let me live my life
I don't need a wife
Who never had a fucking
Minute to spend
Happily

Separated

Separated by time
Oceans, seas, and sky
We're so alone
So far from home

No one could bring me back
To the place where it all began
I'd die before I set foot there
And faced my deepest fears again

Separated by soul
Heart, mind, and bones
We're so alone
So far from home

Never will I fall again
Never will I commit those sins
You better let me go
Before I do that shit again.

Samson and Delilah

He was your Samson
You were his Delilah
Full of strength and love
Until Achilles heel
Was taken advantage of
Now his hair is gone
Strength has waned
He was only a pawn
And it was all in vain
You sold him out
To the Philistines
Then you broke his heart
And took away his dreams.

Chemical Attraction

Endorphins mixed
Pheromones trick
Oxytocin excites
Adrenaline ignites
Junkies
Sin of waste
And of guilt
Danger eats
And always beats
Away at my insides.

The Descendants " 'Merican "

Lost

I am lost.
I can't find my way
I'm swimming in sin
In blood and in gin
I can't find North
South. East, or West
I had the worst
But never the best
So now I take some time
To hang out with the rest.

Mistakes

The scars I hide
Ashamed to the core
The wounds I tried
To heal but they sore
The drugs I find
To keep the pain away
I just wish I had a minute
I just wish I had a day

Life How It Should Be

I stand in front of the audience
People watching as I stand here facing
Hundreds of faces staring back
Feedback pouring through my amp

My foot starts tapping as he starts singing
My hand starts strumming as I start feeling
Feelings that everyone is watching
Everyone is judging me waiting for me to fail

I can see myself now falling
Crumbling down up there on the stage
Everyone watching me fail
As I fall and fill with rage.

Fate

You brought us together
And tore us apart
You're here forever
After we depart
No one knows why
We live or die
Yet you keep it even
Through every season
You are the one
Who pokes fun
At all mankind
With chaos in mind
You are FATE

Competition

I can't stand these feelings
Of always competing
Always pushing for first place
And ending up last.

I don't know why its so hard
To can't drop this and go on
Just live our lives out
And never love again.

But we'll always be here
Shooting for first place
Holding each other back
From full glory.

Today

My writing might be shit
But at least it's from the heart
Writing down the truth
Til the end and from the start.
I can't write when I'm away from the one
But now that we're talking
No longer do I have to run

Goodbye Forever, I Won't Look Back

Autumn comes in slow and strong
The summer forgotten and long gone
I thought I loved you
But my thoughts often deceive
And now I know
You aren't the person I thought I could see
With your lies and your cheating
Your offspring never born
Playing on whichever side is winning
No matter how much you may be sinning
You do for yourself
and never for another
You failed at being a wife
I hope you can be a mother
You will find love
As I will with another
How many times did you make me lose hope?
How many times did I fall back on dope?
You made me want to die time and again
But you're the one who killed
Performed the mortal sin.

Sick II

The cells of health betray me
As I hover over porcelain
When a body has taken the toll
Of drugs and booze and sin
Only a matter of time until
I meet the antagonist of our Lord
In his fiery vengeance he will
Punish me for eternity
But any feeling is better than this one
The one of a body's betrayal

Last Post

This is my last post
This is my last wish
I wish for happiness
For you and for her
No matter what I do
I won't be good enough for you
So I have to leave
And never look back
And you may never read this
But I know that it is written
That I love you and our daughter
My two angels from heaven.
But I can't be as good as him
No matter how hard I try
I can't make you that happy
Or pay for all the nice things
So I guess this is it,
I'm leaving today
On this 24th of September
The last thing you hear me say...

I love you
I love you
I love you

Waiting...

Living in lies
only eats me inside
I wish for death
With every breath
But death wont visit
With its icy cold touch
I'll keep waiting
For death, my last crutch

Update

I haven't updated this blog in ages, but now that I don't have a lot going on I think I am going to get back into poetry and songwriting. No longer do I have drugs to stimulate my muse, but I will always have love. Love for a person, love for humanity, love for excess, or love for insanity. I will always have love, and my new outlook on life will be reflected in my new poetry.

-Collin Jones